This year I gave up something familiar to receive something extraordinary. And I know all good things take time and what I have going on here in Denver is a good thing. But sometimes just like all things in life they just get really hard. And I'm not blogging to complain ( I use my room mates for that....just kidding) but I'm blogging because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I only have a month left at Sox Place and right now I can't even imagine leaving my internship that holds such a big part of my heart. I can't imagine leaving these kids that I've learned to love as siblings or even Doyle, Jordan and Benten (my bosses).
I've been working with this girl at Sox Place and she's been doing really well she was 18 days sober on Thursday. We've been praying together a lot for her to let go of a lot of things that she holds onto from her past. But what was the most frustrating to me is when she came in on Thursday and she was out of mind on drugs. I know it's not my life and it's not my place to tell her what to do but I was angry at her. Part of me was angry with myself.Was I not doing enough? Did I miss something? I felt very defeated, like there's nothing I do or say to ever turn this around.
Earlier this year I went on what I told you guys about was a 'turf tour' something that resonated with me from that as well as the retreat from this past weekend was this.
When you only hangout light with light imagine who's in the dark
My purpose in Sarah's life is not to fix or change her she's going to need to want that on her own. And she obviously doesn't based on what I'm seeing but my job is to provide a source of light in her place of darkness. The company she holds is in the same darkness she does so I can't imagine how much drowning she must be doing. Like the light God and gap year have been in my life. I have the honor of being that for her. So I just ask that you pray for Sarah and that her darkness overflows with light and God's presence.
Another thing that's been on my mind a lot is what to do next year. What's next? I can feel it in my heart the change day by day as I let the stories of Sox Place overcome my heart. I don't want to do the same things everyone else is doing. I don't want to live this cookie cutter christian life anymore. All the things that mattered to me last year and in high school are so irrelevant in my life now. As I said earlier I gave up something familiar in order to receive something extraordinary. And that I have but I worry so much about what I'm going to do with that. This is the first time in my life I have truly not had a plan. Not having a plan is my biggest fear but also one of the biggest blessings (in disguise sometimes).I'm free to do whatever it is that I feel moved to do. Sometimes anxiety takes over and it's like Sarah what are you doing....college deadlines are approaching. But this year for me is really learning to trust god and give myself over to him. And what I realized that sometimes not having a plan is the best thing for that because when I'm not so focused in sticking to 'my plan' I can listen to my heart and keep my ears open to follow gods.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1spkhp41ig4
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