Ok so I keep doing this to y'all and missing blog posts. I apologize to friends and family that have been waiting this one. The truth is I've been journaling a lot. It's the way I process things. I've never really been a public person about the way I'm feeling so thats why its so tough for me to publicly blast every vunerable moment I have all over the internet. But thats just it. I've been having a lot of those lately. As we reach the critical season that was talked about in orientation It isn't so much that I was getting ticked at certain people in the group or even homesick its just I don't know the more and more I'm here I've seen what a fallen world we live in and I feel like I see it with my eyes but my heart just supress all these feeling of hurt and work toward motivation to help in anyway I can. Classes with Millie have helped me understand this about myself. First of all I'm a 2 in an enegram test which means I'm a helper and I put others before myself but I also looked to be recognized in that. As a two Greg has taught me that  compassion fatigue can take over quickly thats why our artist dates (or as I call it 'me' time) is so important. I've done a lot of that this weekend weather it be retail therapy or just messing around with the awesome friends that I have made here. But even on my artist date I can't help but think about all the things I've seen.
       Two weeks ago we went on whats called a turf tour, it's run by dry bones a nonprofit organization that actually works in the street with the kids. We climbed into tunnels, crawled in the bridges where they sleep,  analyzed garbage and picked up needles. What was so facinating to me was the new way I looked at the city. For example the bridges are engeneeered with rocks in them so that homeless people will be so uncomfortable that they won't sleep there. We also climbed into the "freedoooom"tunnel which was a challenge for me because I'm sort've claustrophobic (thank goodness for logan behind me). But my experience in the freedoom tunnel was a dark one. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. I also realized as we waddled through the tunnel that the way into the tunnel was a lot shorter than the way out. And one of our tour guides made a comment she said, (referring to the people that take cover in them)" When you only hangout light with light imagine who's in the dark".
        This made me immediately think about my friends at Sox place, Mileana, Simon, Face, Leroy, and Glitter bear aka clarrissa. The other day as glitterbear leaned on me  I realized that I truely could not give her the answers she was looking for even when I provided its god's plan she inquired how he could let her life go to chaos since the age of two.
      Going back to the tunnel it is now that I realize I don't need to provide her with answers but just light. She's one of those thats surrounded by her friends who are also in the dark and I can be that friend thats stable and maybe shed some light without really using any words at all.
    Speaking of those who are light. While the life of the homeless seems to be dreadful and hard my friends Mileana and face seem to walk in the light. I've never met such gracious, helpful, greatful people in my life helping to clean up after the place closes they really do represent the epitome of respect for Jordan and Doyle. Instead of speaking truths whatever that is into their lives they spoke it into mine and even made a playlist for me along they way.Thursday I had to say goodbye to face and mileana as they venture to the west for the colder months. I wish my dear friends nothing but light and the best of luck and for all of my readers out there to keep praying for the safety and health of my favorite train riders (Face and Mileana) .

Here just a little clip of the playlist face made me and it pretty much had been on repeat for the past week and its what I listened to while I wrote this and all my other journal entries.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uurrp6JADI0

              Yesterday was my birthday and I have to say I could NOT ask for better room mates!! They are simply the best!!! Being away from my family was hard but in a sense I was with my new family, my kivu family. Not to mention I am completely and utterly in love with my internship. I met my real boss Doyle and he could easily be one of the most interesting mentors I will ever have. He has a great outlook/ understanding of life. I'm so happy he has taken me under his wing and I can't wait to grow and learn with him.
              Seeing all my friends pictures from college parties and what not made me feel somewhat left out....at first. Was I making the right decision?Should I be in college right now? The date October 15 crept in my mind. How am I going to afford college after taking such an expensive journey montary wise and emotionally.But after yesterday I am so sure of right where I need to be and couldnt be happier. The book I'm reading for class reminded me of a scripture that is very much applicable to all that I'm feeling. Jesus says, " do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself each day has enough trouboel of its own' MATTHEW 6:34

*Note*

For all y'all that have been wondering why  I haven't blogged I have I just had a whoops moment (twice) and didn't publish them my bad!

                Today marks my first full week at KIVU. So far I've gone a week in the woods with out cell service, withheld a shower for 2 days and worn the same two outfits for a week now. So not like me. I'm definetly learning. We spend our first day doing team bonding exercises with Andy and then learning love languages with Jamie Jo.  I wish I could start all my relationships here at KIVU! I have learned more about these 13 people in this short amount of time than I know about some of my best friends. I can honestly say whole heartedly that we have the best group ever. Everyone has something to offer and I truly believe I can learn something from every single one of them!
              This week I learned how much of a tom boy I really can be. I also learned that the love languages I connect with people are physical touch and quality time. I also left a lot of baggage at the bottom of the ice lake trail which was probably the hardest for me. The fear of not being able to connect with my friends the same way I do now probably scares me the most.  A good friend *Alexis* told me that perhaps some friendships needed to go and while Im so incredibly scared of losing anyone in my life that in order for me to get what I want out of this gap year I need to let those people that hold me down go.
           I've been asked several times throughout the course of this week why I wanted to do this gap year and I swear my answer changes every single time. While I want to find my relationship with god I also want to find myself. I want to find direction, the place where god needs me the most. I also don't want to just go off to college and waste four years partying. I want to do something that actually means something to someone else and not just myself. As cliche as it sounds I want to help people and if I can really help and make an impact in someone else's life like the Braner's have for me I wouldn't ask for anything else.